Visitors

[wearingagun]

She hated the hospital. She hated the drugs and the smell and the nurses coming and going. She couldn't get any decent sleep because someone was constantly there to check her stitches or her blood pressure or her temperature. It took a couple days before they eased off on the narcotic drip and she could focus and stay awake. Watch the vid. Raley and Ochoa had been in, as had the Captain and it seemed like half the department. Her oom was full of flowers and balloons and well wishes. The department shrink had been in twice already and Kate knew she was going to have to talk to him at length eventually.

But for now she had a tray of clear liquids, coffee and broth and gelatin. She had the vid on some mindless program about interior design. The day was sunny and Kin City General buzzed with activity around her. It made it easy to think of anything other than being tied to the wall and nearly gutted. It made it easier to forget why she hurt so much right now with her bandaged ribs and her wrist in a cast. No, she didn't think about those things in the daylight. Those thoughts came at night.

Comments

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"He's a good guy. I didn't think so at first, but I've gotten to know him. His methods are different than mine, but the end goal is the same," she said, a small smile tugging at her lips as she thinks of Dick. A good guy is a high compliment. So many people aren't.

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

"I think you're right about him. I don't claim to understand the significance of the uniform he wears, but I think he understands what it means to dedicate ones life to a belief." Aayla doesn't mention the fact that his mask does little to hide his identity from her. Not that it matters. "He wants to know more about the Jedi Order."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"That doesn't surprise me. He's nosy," she quipped, her smile broadening. She reached over and ran her hand down Aayla's arm and then patted the bed for her to join her.

"How are you feeling? You're not doing yourself any harm, being alone, right?" she asked, recalling the last time when Aayla had chosen seclusion. Beckett was worried that it might be the same way this time around. Worse, considering...

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

She feels an odd sense of relief when Kate invites her onto the bed. She hadn't wanted to be quite so obvious about her desire for physical affection, but so be it. Maybe Kate is feeling the same way. In any case, she doesn't hesitate to remove her cloak, laying it over the back of the chair before moving up onto the bed and curling herself against Kate.

"No, I've been meditating. Many Jedi can use the Force to heal physical injuries. I'm not as adept at it as a Master, but I have some skills and it's helping." Aayla knows what Kate is really asking, though, and she wants to be honest. "As for the non-physical...it will take time. But I don't feel any regret for what I did, Kate. I didn't betray myself or my vows. It's not the same as it was."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"You saved me," she said quietly. "I was so out of it, but I saw. I know what you did."

She paused and reached over to cradle Aayla's face.

"Thank you."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

Her voice is quiet when she finally responds. Just a whisper, a secret between the two of them that no one else should hear.

"His life was forfeit the moment he decided he was going to take yours. There was never any choice."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"I know. I'd have done the same if I could. He was a monster, Aayla. I believe in justice...it hink it was served," she replied. She tried to move, then fell back against the pillow.

"I'd kiss you, but I can't move that far," she said with a soft laugh.

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

That gets a laugh in return and Aayla takes Kate's hand, entwining their fingers.

"Then I think you should let me do the work," she replies before leaning in and pressing her lips ever so gently against Kate's. It feels surprisingly sweet for such a slight gesture. Pulling back, she squeezes the other woman's hand. "We're free of him."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"Thank God," she sighed, licking the sensation of Aayla's kiss from her lips.

"Now we just have to figure out how to move on. I'm not sure I'll be able to answer my door without my gun for a while."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

"I have difficulty imagining any of us are going to let you spend much time alone. At least until you don't have to answer your door while holding a gun." Aayla sighs, wishing there was some way to turn back time. To go back to that night and make it so Bryce never laid a hand on Kate. But she knows what a waste of energy that kind of wishing is. "We just have to be patient. And not try to pretend we can do this on our own."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"I keep hearing that," Beckett replied. "It's harder than people think. I'm used to taking care of myself. I'm not very good at getting help."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

"Please believe me when I say I understand. As a Jedi, I've learned to trust my Masters. To let them guide me and take care of me when I can't take care of myself, but I'm stubborn. Which should come as no surprise to you," she adds with a slight smile. "I want to believe I can be strong enough, that I don't have to rely on anything but the Force. But I've seen where that path leads and I never want to be in the place again."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

Beckett took a slow, deep breath. As deep as she could manage, anyway.

"Stubborn. I've heard that word before," she said. "The department has a shrink- a psychiatrist. He's been coming to see me every day, and I have to see him every week while I'm on medical leave. I'm sure I'll tell him something. Eventually."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

That gets a look of wide-eyed shock and she blinks a few times before responding. "This psychiatrist must be quite formidable if he can actually get you to talk to him. I'm impressed."

Aayla strokes Kate's cheek once, feeling more relaxed with each passing moment.

"Honestly, though. If he can help you, I hope you will take advantage of the opportunity."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"I don't know how much he'll help, but I need his release to go back to work, so I figure I'll talk. About something," she said quietly. "About...everything. I don't even know what to say. So much of it is jumbled up. So much of it is just...pain."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

Aayla holds Kate a little tighter, still conscious of her injuries but needing to be close. The pain in her voice hurts to hear and she would do anything to take that pain away.

"Once you open yourself up you'd be surprised what will come. But it's the first step that's the hardest. Letting yourself be vulnerable."

She has something she wants to ask Kate but she finds herself hesitating. Not wanting to hear the answer. But it would be the height of hypocrisy to tell Kate to be open then hide her own fears so she forces the words out. "Did you...how aware we you of what was happening, Kate? How much did you see?"

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"I don't know how much I saw," she replied honestly. "I saw him beating you. I saw him tie you up. I saw him...rape you. And there was blood. A lot of blood. But I kept drifting in and out. It could have been hours...I just don't know."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

"I'm so sorry." She closes her eyes, laying her cheek against Kate's shoulder. She doesn't want to move away but she can't look her in the eye. There are limits. "I wish you hadn't been forced to see. I wish I could have spared you that."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"Me? Aayla, he did it to you. Watching was awful. I wanted to get free and stop him. But what he did...what he did was so cruel. Such a violation. He was...You have nothing to be sorry for. Not to me."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

The tears surprise her, but she doesn't try to hide them. Doesn't bother wiping them away when the first one rolls down her cheek. If there's anyone she doesn't have to hide her tears from right now, it's Kate.

"I thought I could control it. That I could manipulate him long enough to keep us all alive. I thought it wouldn't touch me, that it was just physical pain that I could endure. But it was more than that. We survived, I know that and I know that I had to let him do what he did, but...it still hurts."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Aayla," she sighed, reaching to stroke the other woman lightly. "It was more than anyone could endure. I'd have never been able to..."

[twilek-knight.livejournal.com]

"I had no choice," she says again. Willing herself to believe it. To really believe it. "But I don't know how to make sense of it all. Maybe I don't want to. I just want it to be done, to be over and gone."

Sighing, she finally wipes her cheeks. Wanting to be done with the crying as well. "I know that's not possible, but I want it so badly."

[wearingagun.livejournal.com]

"It'll take time. That's what they keep telling me. We'll get through it together. I promise," she said softly, reaching up to brush away the trail of a tear.